


The Phases of the Moon, The Chambers of the Heart

by sunshinexprincess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23996440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinexprincess/pseuds/sunshinexprincess
Summary: His name sounded nice on her lips, he thought absentmindedly as he put his mask back on and left his quarters. Even if she was angry. She was the only one who said it normally, as if it was a name and not a title.Kylo.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 16
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FluffyPandaShip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyPandaShip/gifts).



> Hello hello! Well. Never thought this would happen: my first attempt at an actual multi-chapter piece. Whaaaat? I have to thank the lovely pal who suggested this (and who this is dedicated to), without whom I would never have stepped outside of my current writing comfort zone. If it's a massive flop? I apologize profusely in advance. I love u. 
> 
> _____________
> 
> Prompt: Post- TLJ, [bcuz screw TROS] Rey went on a mission with her fellow rebels to some planet, could be an Outer Rim one, not compulsory. They took out some bad guys, some local gang or whatever, no First Order troops. at the end they had to rescue some people and fly them out of the planet to their new base. Rey was separated from her friends and was on a different ship with around 4-5 people. among them a child and another person who were pretty badly injured and Rey Forced healed them, and as a result was feeling drained.   
> Then suddenly something went wrong with the ship's hyperdrive and it crashed on a cold planet (like Hoth) and tragically she was sole survivor. She is not only drained but also injured because of the crash, with no means to contact any of the Resistance members.   
> Kylo suddenly feeling anxious and returns to his quarters from some other part of the ship. Then Force bond connects them and he sees injured Rey sitting / lying against his bed / desk, and he panics. He basically begs her to take the tracker so he can rescue her, and in that state she accepts, and in a few hours he rescues her. [him wrapping her in his cloak]   
> Now she is kind of a prisoner trapped and isolated in his quarters, guarded by droids so she can't mind trick her way out this time! with blasters set on Stun only!, because Kylo still wants to turn her.   
> The Resistance worrying about her, not presuming her dead because Leia can still sense her. Hux and the Generals acting smug thinking they got the upper hand. And Kylo kinda being the double agent, with having a change of heart and wanting to destroy the FO from within, "but it'll take time! can't alone go against the entire FO with a lightsaber!" . Kylo / Ben calling Leia and assuring her that Rey is fine and he wants to cooperate, which Rey supports. To the entire Galaxy they pretend that she joined him and in secret they send intel to Leia to strategically dismantle FO and it's other supporters [thinking about those weapons manufacturers on Canto Bight].   
> and then a happy ending, please.
> 
> _____________
> 
> And so ladies and gentlemen, bored teens and writers looking for inspiration to get out of block, without further ado, the first chapter of The Phases of the Moon, The Chambers of the Heart.

Things were going as well on Zeffo as they could be, which meant at some point they had to go wrong. It’s just how missions worked.

They had arrived to an already deep battle, blasters and cannons- old ones from the first rebellion- wreaking havoc on a village quickly going up in flames. They had landed quickly, weapons ready, and charged on the shooters.

Poe had had too much fun blowing things up as always, while Rey had focused on blocking the path of the attackers with the Force and Finn had put his Trooper training to much need use. The rest of the troops had scattered out in pairs, limping back exhausted after a few hours of tense waiting near the ships, but alive and proud. They had made quick work of whatever gang had tried to ransack the village- though, Rey winced, there was not much that could be said for the village itself. As she scanned the burning shacks and toppled buildings and watched her troops carry bodies away from the wreckage, she could only hope that the village’s surviving inhabitants had taken whatever they had needed from their homes; this place was beyond being saved.

Finn was rushing the villagers onto the ships with a blaster in his hand, while Poe was firing up the Falcon. She raced to her assigned ship, nodding assuredly at her friends as she waved to a group of huddled children and gestured them over to her. They began to run at full speed, clothes and dolls in their hands and shell-shocked expressions plastered to their faces. Rey tried her best not to think about what had happened to their parents.

She lifted the children up into the ship quickly, counting and recounting again hoe many there were. Five. She hoisted herself up once the last child was safely inside, breathing deeply against the wall.

“Where’s my mother?”

She opened her eyes. A little girl with dirt smeared on her cheeks was looking at her with fear evident in her tearful brown eyes.

“On another ship,” Rey forced a comforting smile. “You’ll see her as soon as we land.” The girl looked at her disbelievingly, shifting on her little bare feet.

_Please don’t make me say it._

“I promise.” The words stung in her throat as she said them. There was less than a fifty percent chance that the girl’s mother was still alive.

But the child didn’t have to know that, she told herself, and closed the door.

“Go,” she commanded the pilot. He nodded and flipped a few switches, calling to her to get the children settled as the ship began to move, speeding up until she felt the familiar jolt that meant they had successfully made the first jump.

“Sit down and stay down until we get steady.” She tried to smile again, taking a seat with the children- though she would much rather be flying. “Is everyone alright?”

The girl she had spoken to nudged a boy next to her, who cast his eyes down. Rey realized that he was holding his arm and that his bottom lip was quivering. “What’s wrong?”

The girl nudged her companion again, and he looked nervously up at Rey. “I think I broke my arm.” His voice was shaky and wrenched with pain, tears barely held back in his eyes.

She nodded. “Okay.” The she knelt down carefully, offering him her hand. “Do you wanna see a trick?”

He nodded, letting her take his arm gently between her hands. She closed her eyes and summoned the Force, smiling to herself as the now-familiar energy swept around her, and directed it all towards the child’s arm.

It healed quickly, and she laughed out loud at the open-mouthed children in front of her.

“Are you a. . .a. . .”

“Jedi?” She finished the question amusedly. He nodded. “Kind of,” Rey said with a smile. The children all gasped excitedly.

“Do you have a lightsaber?” A boy with blue eyes asked curiously.

“Have you met Luke Skywalker?” Another jumped in. “I heard that he isn’t even real!”

Rey laughed, looking around at the faces eagerly waiting for answers.

“Well, I-“

Suddenly the ship shook furiously, and the warning lights began to flash.

_Fuck._

“What’s wrong?” Rey shouted over the sirens, dashing to the pilot.

“Hyperdrive.” He cursed, searching the panel for clues. “I have no idea what happened.”

“How much time do we have?” She asked frantically. The ship was headed downwards, spiraling out of the pilot’s control despite his best efforts to get it back on track.

“Two minutes, maybe less,” he said. “Get down there, _now_.”

She didn’t waste any time lowering herself down the hatch with her tool belt in hand, ignoring the terrified shrieks coming from above her as best she could. She was just reaching into her belt when the drive went berserk, spitting sparks into her eyes and sending electric shocks across the entire ship.

“SHIT.”

She fell with a sickening crunch onto the floor as the ship pitched to the side and her tools scattered.

_Ow._ Rey winced and pulled her leg gingerly to her chest before noticing with a start that fire was quickly spreading. She immediately gathered the Force around her to keep it from enveloping her along with the rest of the ship.

The children. Her eyes widened. As she steadied her power and readied herself to extend her reach, the ship turned again, and she hit her head hard on the corner of a control panel. The screams became louder. She stumbled to the hatch, shakily climbing the ladder before her eye fluttered closed and she fell, fell, fell. . .

black.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn’t know what it was like, an Empire under your palm and the Darkness at your fingertips, yet conflict still broiling in your gut night and day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo woo we back! I've actually had this for a couple days but I've been playing around with it. Hope you enjoy!

**CHAPTER TWO**

She woke with a groan, putting a hand to her temple and making a face as it came away soaked in blood.

Great.

She looked around, shivering in the rapidly falling snow. Of all the places they could have crashed, this planet was by far at the bottom of the “helpful” list.

More pressing, was there even a _they_ left?

She looked behind her to where smoke was rising in pillars into the snow, the ship ripped and twisted into chunks of now useless metal. She tried to stand, collapsing with a pained scream. She looked at her leg, cursing lowly at the purple bruises and the bone sticking out of her shin. She closed her eyes and pressed down on the bone, screaming as the Force burst from her palms into her body.

She fell back, drained of her power for the time being. Still, her leg was better than nothing. She remembered her name, and her mission, and she knew her ability with the Force, which meant that her head injury was miraculously not as bad as it should have been. Rey stood slowly, wrapping her arms around herself and picking her way carefully through the wreckage, looking for any glimmers of auras.

None.

She shook her head. No, she was just tired. She had just confirmed that. She was just tired, and thats why she couldn’t see them. They weren’t dead.

They couldn’t be.

But the closer she got to the ship, the less hopeful she felt. The smell of burning flesh filled her nostrils, and she stopped more than once to vomit.

When she finally made it to the cockpit, the tears finally fell. The pilot was frozen in place, determination written into his features with a piece of metal clean through his stomach.

She hadn’t even known his name.

The children she couldn’t bear to look at more than once, all on the floor as if they had decided to sleep away the fear. The pools of thick blood told her that their sleep wasn’t going to be ending.

“Fuck,” she finally murmured, falling to her knees near a quickly dying fire. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.”

Rey pulled her legs close, letting down her hair for extra warmth. There was nothing to do but wait. For what she didn’t know; there was no way to contact her fronds or for them to contact her, and they wouldn’t find out for at least another hour- if her guess was correct- that she hadn’t made it.

That they hadn’t.

The tears kept coming, and the fire kept dying, and she gathered the last of her strength to find the only person left in the galaxy to save her.

_If you’re listening? Now would be a really good time to care._

____________________

_If you’re listening? Now would be a really good time to care._

The words had troubled him so much that he had cut a very important meeting short. He stalked annoyedly down the hall, cape billowing behind him and mask coming detached as he reached up to pull it off jus before he entered his quarters. He threw it onto his bed, closing his eyes and reaching out to her as soon as he had checked that the door was locked.

_I’m here._

He waited in silence for so long that he began to think he must have imagined her voice before the stench of fresh blood overwhelmed his senses. He turned, hiding his shock as he saw her, laying curled on his floor with blood matted to her hair and shivering as if she wasn’t in his bedroom at all.

“What happened to you?” He asked as casually as he could while walking faster than normal to his fresher for a clean towel. He soaked it in water before coming to kneel at her side, wiping it gently over her face.

“Crashed on Hoth,” she murmured thickly, head bobbing as she leaned into his palm for support. “Mission gone bad.” She looked up with dead eyes then, her voice weak. “They’re all dead.”

He nodded slowly, the panic setting in as he analyzed. Hoth, at this time of day, with a useless ship and communication services. And then, he realized, with a tiny smile, she had asked for _him._

As a last resort, but still. He was going to count it as a win.

“You need to let me come to you.” He said, bringing up her hand to press the cloth to her head while he rummaged through a drawer. He pulled out a cloak, wrapping it around her and sitting in front of her again. “You’re going to die, and you know it.” He reached behind her to search another drawer, pulling out a tracker. “Take this.”

Rey stared, as if the processing of the situation was coming with difficulty.

“No,” she finally said, shaking her head. “They’ll. . .they’ll come for me.” He could see that even she didn’t believe it.

“Don’t be proud,” he hissed, standing to tower over her. “You are much smarter than that. Take that tracker or _die_.”

“No.” Even weak, her voice commanded extraordinary power, but she looked dangerously weak, her eyelids fluttering as if she was going to pass out at any second. She glared. “How am I to know you won’t keep me here once you finally have me? _All_ of me.”

He scoffed heartlessly. “You don’t. But you will be alive, and that should be enough for you.”

She managed a smile, shaking her head. “The one time I ask you to care about me and instead you tell me point blank that you’re going to kidnap me.” She lifted the tracker. “What makes you think I will _ever_ take this?”

They stared angrily at each other for a moment, the Force between them close to snapping.

“You won’t take it,” he finally said, studying his gloves as if nothing was the matter. “Willingly.” Then he looked up with a dark smirk. “However, it is extremely clear you are not strong enough to fight me on the matter.”

He closed his eyes.

“Don’t you dare,” she warned.

“I’ll find you soon.” The Force swelled and he ended the connection, a furious _KYLO_ left hanging in the air.

His name sounded nice on her lips, he thought absentmindedly as he put his mask back on and left his quarters. Even if she was angry. She was the only one who said it normally, as if it was a name and not a title.

Kylo.

He made his way quickly to the bay, passing an irate General Hux, who was yelling at a battalion of new troops.

“Supreme Leader!”

He rolled his eyes. Just when he thought he had made it past the idiot.

“Do you need troops, sir?”

Well. At least he had he the decency not to ask where he was going.

“No Hux. I’ll be going alone.”

“Where are you going, Sir?”

He took that back. Could he take that back?

“To take an advantage of an opportunity, General,” he said smoothly, bitting back a sigh beneath his mask. “Galactic domination waits for no Empire.”

________________

She sat with the tracker in her hand, pulling the black garment close around her. Fuck him for that. If there was anyone in this galaxy she expected to respect her decisions? Well. . .it wasn’t him but. . .still.

She stared down at the tracker numbly, a million thoughts tangled in her head; extracting one to capture and focus on was proving to be difficult.

How could he do this? Strip her of choice and then essentially capture her, signing it off as rescuing? She was sure they had been making progress- he was opening up week by week when they reached for each other for company, arguing less about her choice to stay in the Light, even teaching her to control the Force.

Had it all been a trick?

Her heart- _that blasted thing_ \- she snorted angrily, told her no. Her head, on the other hand, which ran so logically from her years as a scrapper and now her training as a Jedi, said yes.

She was a fool.

_You may be naive, but you are far from a fool._

She started, looking around for a sign of his arrival. There was only snow.

_Are you here to save me?_ She thought, hoping her scathing tone would translate in his mind.

_Would you rather die?_ His response held an evident dryness, as if this was just another day’s casual activities to him.

_Better dead than trapped on your ship._

_You wound me, Rey._

She didn’t respond.

He shook his head, still flying, entering Hoth’s atmosphere at the fastest speed he could manage without crashing himself.

She didn’t understand, he thought, face darkening into an angry frown. She didn’t know what it was like, an Empire under your palm and the Darkness at your fingertips, yet conflict still broiling in your gut night and day. It was as infuriating as it was invigorating. Between him and. . .well, himself, he had never felt more _alive._

He landed without difficultly, as close to the signal as he could pinpoint, stepping out and immediately opening his mind to her thoughts.

_If you talk to me this will be much easier._

_Hi, how was your day?_ The thought was purely dripping in sarcasm, and he found himself chuckling as he began walking in the direction of her energy, flowing weakly from his left.

_It was going quite well until you rudely interrupted me. Plans to take another system and such._

_Apologies. If I had known you were going to kidnap me I wouldn’t have called. All I needed was a cloak and some food. I would have been fine._

_It’s a miracle you’re still alive actually._ He hoped she couldn’t feel his stomach twisting. He quickened his pace, catching sight of a flickering blue through the snow that definitely wasn’t fire.

_I’m sure you’re thrilled._ She turned her head as red glared into her view. She squirted hard, attempting to look between the thick flakes falling faster from the sky by the minute. There was no mistaking his aura.

“Thrilled is perhaps an overstatement.”

Maker, it was really _him_. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually seen him in the flesh. He was pulling off his cloak as he approached, wrapping it around the first he had placed on her not an hour ago on her shaking frame and picking her up gently.

She scoffed at him weakly. “Let’s just get on with it. Don’t pretend to care.”

“You asked me to,” he said easily. “I could just as quickly be cruel.”

“No you couldn’t,” she murmured, her head falling into his chest. “It’s not in your nature.”

He smirked again, though she couldn’t see with her face hidden in his clothes. “On the contrary, it is my nature. Yours is the one that is conflicted.”

She didn’t speak, and he pressed two fingers quickly to her neck. Her pulse was soft, barely there but beating steadily. She wouldn’t be any good to him dead, he knew, and he began to run to the ship, holding her tight against him.

She looked up, grinning wearily at the determination set on his face. As much as she hated to admit it, she had missed him.

The way they had left things when they were last truly together wasn’t the way she’d wanted to; shehad been afraid she’d lost him forever when they were so close to a breakthrough. She had gone to him first, sitting stoic on his bed as he slept and vanishing when his eyelids began to flicker. He had shown up next, silent at her desk with his hands clasped, face unmoving, his head falling as she had come up behind him carefully and wrapped her arms around his neck.

The had slowly been forming. . .something. . . ever since then. She read passages out of his books, he stared out of her window in wonder, each drinking in the other’s world for the few hours they were able to be in it. They had worked on control, _together,_ breaking chairs and levitating stacks of papers. He had left a novel on her bed once.

She had never finished it. And now, staring into the looming black of his ship, she had a feeling she wouldn’t have another chance.

The last thing she saw was his face looming over her coldly before fading into the endless darkness of sleep.

________________

“POE!”

“Hey, hey!” The pilot cheered, jogging over to his best friend. “Mission accomplished buddy!” He shook his friends shoulder before craning his neck to search the landing field.

“Where’s Rey?”

“Probably with her group,” Finn frowned, joining his firmed in his search. “I’m sure she’ll be over soon.”

Poe shook his head, his heart beginning to beat fast. “Her ship isn’t here man.”

Finn froze. “What?” He followed Poe’s gaze to the empty patch of grass where the small transport was supposed to be.

“She isn’t here,” Poe repeated dazedly to himself. “ _Fuck._ ”

Finn took off towards the base, a startled Poe at his heels. They had to find Rey, and fast.

Before someone else did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, roast me or compliment me. I am truly apathetic as to which.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She felt him before she saw him, a sultry, dark kind of warmth flooding her skin and making her heart race. She vaguely remembered a time when he used to feel cold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey chapter three, u cute lemma get yo #
> 
> But for real enjoy my friends!

**CHAPTER THREE**

“Unconscious for three days sir. . .vitals normal, heartbeat is steady, severe concussion and. . .a recently healed break in the leg. . .”

“What do you mean recently.”

“Well Sir. . .bruising. . .bone recently. . .”

“I want hourly updates.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

A door closed.

She faintly felt a needle slide into her arm, finding herself unable to flinch from the pain.

She fluttered her eyes.

Everything was white. Blindingly, disgustingly white. She turned her head with a soft groan, finding her arm strapped to a bed. She looked to her right quickly, wincing at the whiplash. Her right arm was tied. She jerked her legs, testing how far the restraints went. She couldn’t bring herself to utter a curse when they didn’t move.

“Feisty one, aren’t you.”

She craned her neck to see a woman in grey, hair pulled tight into a bun with a cup in her hands.

“Don’t worry,” she smiled warmly as Rey curled away at her approach. “It’s just water.”

Rey nodded hesitantly, allowing the woman to lift it to her lips. She drank it greedily, sighing as she finished the liquid. “Got any more,” she murmured thickly.

The woman nodded, filling the cup again.

“You were smart to stay asleep until he left,” she said as she put it gently to Rey’s lips. “The Supreme Leader would doubtlessly have begun torturing you before your body could handle a minute’s worth of pain.”

Rey let out a weak laugh, shaking her head slightly. “He wouldn’t torture me,” she whispered.

The nurse raised her eyebrows in shock. “You know nothing of the Supreme Leader then, child,” she said, looking almost nervous. “He is not a merciful man.”

Rey smiled thinly at the woman, her head filled with the memory of him languidly turning the pages of a book with his ankles crossed on his bed. “We have an understanding.”

“Hm.” The woman’s face was blank as she stirred something out of sight on the tabletop. “That is more than many can say, Miss.”

“Rey is fine.” She lifted her head gratefully to take the offered spoon. “Maker I’m starving.” She took spoonfuls from the woman’s hand greedily, sighing and leaning her head back against her cushions. “Thank you. . .”

“Jacia.” She set the empty bowl down. Then she cast Rey a look, something akin to pity, before picking up a Comm. “You seem a nice girl, Rey. I wish that I could give you more time,” she said. “But I must let the Supreme Leader know that you are awake.”

She left, the door hissing menacingly shut behind her, speaking urgently into the Comm. before Rey could Force her to stop.

____________

“What do you mean she’s in danger?” Leia was leaning forward on her desk, palms flat.

“I’ve just got this feeling its like uh-“ Poe snapped his fingers as he paced. “Uh. . .”

“Like the Force!” Finn interjected, jumping to his feet from the chair in front of Leia.

“Yes. Like the Force! Like the Force.” Poe walked quickly to the desk, mimicking Leia’s position. “General, please,” he put a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You’ve gotta believe us.”

“I believe you, I do,” she assured him softly, looking at both of them worriedly. “it’s just a matter of where she could be, and what her condition is. I have to say honestly that the odds of-“

“Don’t,” Finn shook his head. “Don’t say it. If we don’t say it theres still hope. As long as we believe.”

Poe looked sadly at his best friend. Leia wasn’t wrong- the odds were low, and they all knew it.

“We have to start looking now, General,” he murmured as Finn began to pace, breathing heavily and wringing his hands.

“Gather a team,” she nodded. “Whoever you need. I want you out of here in three hours.”

“Yes ma’am.” Poe motioned towards Finn, who practically ran out of the room, Poe following behind.

Leia sighed, falling heavily into her chair. She had the same feeling the men did, a wrenching deep in her stomach like someone was braiding her intestines together. The last time she had felt it, Vader had soon followed. She had a feeling that this time, it wouldn’t be much different.

It might, if possible, be even worse.

__________________________

Rey was stuck.

She hated admitting it, that she was stuck .She always found her way out of things, often bythe skin of her neck, but she was never, ever, _stuck_.

Here, though, guarded only by droids she couldn’t bend to her will -smart man- and cuffed to a chair, she was undeniably and infuriatingly stuck.

She didn’t know how long she had sat there, in a room as white as the one she had left with not even a window to watch the stars pass by. She found herself wondering how often he looked at them. If he even looked at them at all.

The door opened suddenly and she snapped her head forward, straightening her posture. She felt him before she saw him, a sultry, dark kind of warmth flooding her skin and making her heart race. She vaguely remembered a time when he used to feel cold.

“My Generals want you dead.”

She stared at him, unimpressed. She was use to his intimidating stance.

“I doubt you’re here for that reason.” She followed him with her head as her circled her slowly.

“No.” He stopped in front of her again, closer than he was before. “I have other plans.” He drew up a chair, settling himself in it. They stared at each other in silence.

“I offered you my hand once,” he said suddenly, his voice grating and mechanical through his mask. “You wanted to take it. Why didn’t you?”

A frown flashed across her face. He was bringing _this_ up? After the months it had been, after the weeks they had spent healing their fragile Bond?

Well. Two could play at this game.

“And you could have killed me,” she countered smoothly, chin raised. “Why didn’t _you?_ ”

He uttered a sound that could have been a laugh. “Hm.” He leaned back easily in the chair, gloved fingers laced loosely in his lap. “You can’t hide, Rey. Not from me. You haven’t been able to for months.” The sound of her name on his tongue felt better than it should have, like sunshine through the leaves of her training course when she collapsed victoriously at the end. Warm, and safe, and powerful.

She shook her head, tearing her mind from the disturbing thought of his lips. “And I see through your mask, just like I have been for months. You’re _haunted_.” She leaned forward tauntingly, stressing the word. “You still see what you did to your father. I’ve seen it in your dreams.”

“And you,” he hissed. _Ah. So she had struck a nerve._ “Do you still count the days since your parents left you to a life of poverty and loneliness?”

She flinched, anger rising to her throat. “You know that I do.”

“I do,” he agreed softly. Then he reached up, his mask detaching with a low hiss. “Such pain in you.” He reached a hand out, cupping her cheek gently in his palm. Her heartbeat quickened. “So much anger. So much power. I tell you that, all the time.”

_When will you believe me._

She couldn’t move. Why couldn’t she move?

“I don’t want to kill you, Rey.” She could see that he meant it, his aura a calm, cool blue she hadn’t seen on him except for when he slept.

“Then what do we do?” She murmured, hating the weakness of her voice. _He is not a friend, he is not a friend, he is not a friend._ But then, he was, in his own strange way. “We’re in a stalemate that we can’t break until one of us dies. Are you going to keep me here until then?”

His thumb stroked her cheek. She tried not to lean into his touch the way she so desperately wanted to, remembering how he had comforted her, once, after she had woken screaming from a nightmare. “No.”

Then he stood. “I’m going to turn you.” She looked up sharply. “And when I offer you my hand again,” he leaned forward to whisper in her ear, “you will take it.”

He swept out of the room, ordering the guards not to let anyone in but himself, leaving her with metal and white and the faint echo of his voice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,   
> The moon, their mistress, had expir'd before;   
> The winds were wither'd in the stagnant air,   
> And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need   
> Of aid from them—She was the Universe. 
> 
> \- Darkness, Lord Byron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, I had to rewrite this after accidentally deleting the entire thing. Consequently I like this better. Funny little world.

“What do you mean, you aren’t killing her?” General Pride looked absolutely livid, a pen gripped so tightly in his fist Kylo was sure that the ink was going to explode out of it at any second.

“I mean that I’m not killing her,” he responded boredly from the head of the table. “She is useful to the Cause.”

“And how is that?”

General Pride really was getting on his last nerve, he thought absentmindedly as he put a grip on the man’s throat with the Force, gazing half-focused out at the sky. He wondered vaguely if she liked the stars, then made a face under his mask. He was already soft around her- memories filled his head of falling into her arms after too many tense weeks apart, smiling as she read passages aloud from his books- and he couldn’t afford to be more. His hand tightened. He was the fucking Supreme Leader of the First Order, for the Maker’s sake. He would not be brought down by a desert girl in torn clothes with mere words for weapons.

The sound of choking shocked him back to reality. He relaxed his grip on Pride reluctantly, dropping the back into his chair with a loud _thump_. As much as he wanted to strangle the idiot, he rolled his eyes, the act wouldn't sit well with the other Generals. And right now, he needed their trust, or at least their loyalty. trust was a rarely used word in the Order.

"She is strong in the Force, General," he said as the man touched his throat nervously. "And such strength is better used than eradicated. as long as it is used on the right side."

"If she turns," Hux began, realization beginning to form in his eyes- _perhaps he isn't as stupid as he looks_ \- "then the First Order will be unstoppable." 

"Thank you Hux." He leaned forward, placing his palms evenly on the cool metal beneath him, a dark grin forming under his mask. "As long as she is in my possession, gentlemen. . ."

"We have the upper hand."

______________

“We’re starting on Hoth,” Poe informed his friend as they scrolled through lists of available Resistance members. ‘It’s the closest planet to her first jump point. After that we’ll go. . .” He began mapping out a route, drumming his fingers against his mouth between pencil strokes.

“Chewy should come at least,” Finn said, crossing his arms as he watched Poe draw frantically.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” the other murmured distractedly. Finn frowned.

“I’m in love with you,” he said, waiting for a reaction.

“I love you too buddy.” Poe didn’t look at him. He held his plans up. “What do you think?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “I just told you I’m in love with you and that’s your response?”

“Huh?” Poe shot him a confused glance.

He rolled his eyes a second time. “You’re freaking out, man.” He put a strong hand on the pilot’s shoulder. “She’s gonna be okay. She’s a fighter.”

“Yeah.” Poe sighed deeply. “I know.” He suddenly closed down the screen tabs. “It’s you me and the gang Trooper,” he clapped Finn on the back. “We’re the only ones willing to do whatever it takes. We gotta get her back.”

Finn nodded, grabbing his bag. “You going to tell 3PO and R2?”

“Yup. You grab Chewy. We’re outta here in ten.” He was halfway out the door when he paused. “You were kidding when you said you were in love with me right?” He grinned.

Finn laughed, shaking his head as he followed his best friend out the door. “Purely platonic.” He slung an arm around Poe’s neck. “But I _do_ love you. As much as I love Rey and as much as I know you love her too.” He jogged off in the direction of the airfield. “So let’s go rescue our best friend!”

____________________

He was flipping lazily though a book when she woke, her binds tightening as she struggled until she remembered where she was. His mask was off, his uniform rumpled, his cloak and jacket slung over the back of the chair he was sitting in. He looked older than the last time she saw him. Stress. Anger. Loneliness.

In an odd and even more unsettlingly attractive way, age suited him.

“I had a dream, which was not all a dream.” She started, and realized after a moment that he was reading. She softened. It felt like the old times in her bed: listening to the rain outside as his voice lulled her to the edge of dreams, shrouded in warm orange, a bubble only they existed in.

“The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars

Did wander darkling in the eternal space,

 _Rayless_ ,” he smirked, and she smiled in spite of herself, “and pathless, and the icy earth

Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air.”

He paused.

“Morn came and went—and came, and brought no day,” she murmured. He looked up, barely hiding his surprise, slowly closing the book.

“And men forgot their passions in the dread

Of this their desolation; and all hearts

Were chill'd into a selfish prayer-“

She stopped, remembering the next words with a chill. “For light.”

_Light._ The darkness lurking in the corners of her mind cringed and hissed as though burned.

“What do you want?” Her voice echoed strangely.

He leaned back in his chair, lacing his gloved fingers together. Everything he did was rehearsed, it seemed. The way he walked, the measure with which he spoke, down to the way his fingers worked evenly through her hair when she woke screaming from nightmares. He was the epitome of control. Green rose in her vision before she could stop it.

“You.”

She snapped her head towards him, eyes narrowing.

"Then you might as well leave." 

"Hm." He stood, walking slowly, _measuredly_ \- the word was whispered endlessly between the spaces in her consciousness- around her. "I sense envy in you."

"I envy nothing about you," she spat and noticed with a dull ache how quickly their dynamic could shift from simple intimacy to this, vicious and cold. "I would rather _die_ than be anything like you."

“Yes.” He was behind her. “Death is quite the theme with you. A rather Dark sentiment, don’t you think?”

“Stop.” She thrust him against the nearest wall with the Force.

“Well I would,” he said easily as he pushed himself lightly from the wall with a smirk, seemingly unharmed. “But as it is, you are my excuse to not be in an extremely boring meeting.” His tone was so near Poe’s that she could almost imagine the pilot’s cheeky and winning grin instead of Kylo’s disdainful amusement, and she swallowed a laugh.

_He is not a friend, he is not a friend, he is not a friend._

“I used to be. It wasn’t so long ago.”

_Fuck._

“How did you-“ she began angrily.

“That medic you became so attached to a few hours ago injected you with a drug of the Order’s own making.” He sat down again, turning the book over in one hand and leaning back in his chair so casually it made her blood boil with indignation. “I went through weeks of intensive testing to find the proper formula. I almost died, five times so they tell me.” He looked up, eyes dark with emotion that she could not read. “Perhaps death is a theme with me too.”

“What does it do?” She had a feeling she already knew the answer.

He pulled a small vial from his pocket. “Just. . .dims the Force inside you.” He slipped it back into the folds of his fabric. “Enough for me to get inside your head.”

She went cold at the same time that an unidentifiable _knowing_ overtook her.

“I’m dreaming,” she murmured.

His upper lip curled. “Smart girl. And, you haven’t even heard the best part.”

A burst of light, and then she was on Jakku, teetering on the edge of a dune, blistering and unrelenting heat beating down on her like it had for so many years, with one of his arms around her neck and the other binding her waist to his form. She felt her insides freeze despite the sun. Not Jakku. Anywhere but Jakku.

“I get to decide when you wake up.”

_________________

_The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,_

_The moon, their mistress, had expir'd before;_

_The winds were wither'd in the stagnant air,_

_And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need_

_Of aid from them—She was the Universe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my poetry nerd self. Writing major and all. The excerpts are from Lord Byron's Darkness if you're into that sort of thing.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His voice was a lullaby, no, he was a lullaby, carrying her on the clouds of his voice to the edge of dreaming again, and she found herself not wanting to resist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm running out of quirky things to say before I start these chapters off ahahahaha. Enjoy!

_“What was it like?”_

_They were walking leisurely through the dunes as if Jakku was a lively market and not a desolate desert, her panic long subsided- she could only guess that it was because he was controlling the vision._

_“What was what like?”_

_He shrugged, holding out a hand to help her down a steep bank. “Waiting for them.”_

_She mimicked his shrug. “Like waiting for rain in this place.” She looked to the sky, and then to him. “Pointless, disappointing, and waking up every day hopeful anyways.”_

_“I understand.”_

_She raised her eyebrows. His eyes bored into hers, black and unending, wrapping her in the Dark that was his mind. He was mesmerizing._

_“It’s how I feel waiting for you.”_

______________

_“You’re going to haver to try harder than that.” He stood with his saber ready, sweat dripping from his forehead into his eyes._

_“I_ am _.” She lunged, sliding between his legs and catching his ankle, pulling him to the ground. He growled and pinned her down before she could scramble away, his saber crackling dangerously close to the black cloth at her throat. She tapped his arm three times in defeat and then took his offered hand to stand up._

_“Faster.”_

_“I’m trying.” She shook her hair from her loosening braid, tying it up again angrily._

_“Then try harder.”_

_“I’m TRYING.” He fell to the mat with a WHACK, clawing at his throat. She was breathing heavily, eyes stormy and glaring at him like sabers of their own._

_“Control it,” he managed to choke out. He raised his hand. “Rey.”_

_She released him suddenly, staring at her hands in shock. He moved slowly to her side; she shrunk away._

_“Don’t.” Her voice was small, her energy a chaotic purple. “I could kill you.”_

_He took her hands gently. “I’m not afraid.” His hand came up to rest on her cheek, swiping away a stray tear. “You shouldn’t be either."_

___________________

_“Again.”_

_She tossed her hair back defiantly, anger blooming fruitful and dangerous, radiating from her very skin. She pulled down her sleeves, digging her heels into the mat._

_“How much longer,” she asked in monotone._

_He shrugged from the sidelines, studying the Knight on the opposite side of the mat. “Until you can keep him down.”_

_“I_ can _keep him down, “ she hissed. She burned dark red, the training area warming a degree. “You’re the one that won’t let me.”_

_“Until you appreciate what it is to fight without the Force, you will not appreciate what it is to fight with it.” He threw her a sword that she caught without looking._ Show-off _, he smirked._

_“Again.”_

_________________

_“We shouldn’t be here.” They were standing in the landing bay, a thousand ships sleeping around them._

_“Probably,” he agreed, staring out into the stars. “But what kind of Emperor would I be if I didn’t break my own rules?”_

_She smiled, leaning into his shoulder. “Emperor?”_

_“Soon to be.” He kissed her forehead softly. “With an Empress at my side as powerful as I. Maybe even more so.”_

_Her heart fluttered at the phrase. “Never thought I’d hear you say that.”_

_She felt him shrug. “I give credit where it is due.”_

_She laughed before he could stop herself, looking up at him. “As if. You don’t give Hux anything.”_

_“Hux,” he said distastefully, “Steals ideas and intel from other officers. I know my men. I know when they lie and when they steal. He is lucky I haven’t executed him.”_

_She frowned, watching the stars move as if through slowly melting ice. “So why don’t we?”_

_He paused. “I would have thought you against such a thing. He isn’t a spy, after all. Hasn’t committed any major crime.” He waited carefully for her answer._

_“Liars and thieves will not be tolerated in my Empire.” Her voice was cold. “No matter who they steal from, or how important the information is. An empire built on distrust and corruption is doomed to fail before it begins. He deserves no more than a Blaster through his chest.”_

_She didn’t notice him smile, dark and victorious, as he wrapped an arm around her waist._

_________________

_“I think you can handle this one.” He was looking at the battle, drawing his saber in as he spoke._

_Her eyes widened at the legion of incoming Resistance forces. “Really?”_

_He tossed her his saber. “With your eyes closed. I know it.” He tapped his chest where the Force lay. “I feel it.”_

_She flipped her braid over her shoulder, hiding her nerves well. He watched her energy flicker._

_“Do you trust me?”_

_She looked at him sharply. ‘You know that I do.”_

_He nodded towards the approaching soldiers. “Then trust me.”_

_It was like watching the moon rise; Darkness fell over her face like a shroud, eyes blackening and a smile forming, joy and bloodlust twisting into a wretchedly beautiful aura around her._

_She switched on the sabers and strode out into the field just as he had taught her: measured, slow, controlled, as if she owned it. And Maker, he thought as he watched the blood begin to run thick, as the Force swirled around her like a hurricane and she was its eye,_ she did.

_She did._

_________________

“You see what you could be.”

She gasped awake- _was she awake?_ \- breathing in desperate gulps.

“You see what _we_ could be.” He knelt gently at her feet, large hands wrapping around her calves. She hated the way his lips turned up as goosebumps ran across her skin, fading as quickly as they’d come. Hated what he did to her, even now after taking ruthless advantage of her weakness.

“You would never have to settle,” he whispered reverently, as if he were kneeling at the feet of a god and not her. “You would never have to go back to Jakku, _Rey_ -“ he kept a steady grip on her legs as she jerked anxiously at the mention of that _horrid place-_ “We’d never have to stop exploring. Learning. Discovering. We could go everywhere, and when you get tired of them we could leave. Blow the fucking planet out of the sky if you hate it, create another one if we’re bored, however we want. The trees could be blue and the water red.” He was smiling, actually smiling, and she felt tears begin to run from her eyes to gather on her upper lip, salt dripping into the corners of her mouth.

“World without end. All ours.” His voice was a lullaby, no, _he_ was a lullaby, carrying her on the clouds of his voice to the edge of dreaming again, and she found herself not wanting to resist. His hand came up to cup her cheek tenderly. She leaned into it without hesitation. “A grateful and ordered galaxy at our feet. All you have to do is give in.”

Black filled her vision. Him, smiling as he watched her rip a Trooper to shreds without blinking. Her, dressed in black and drenched in blood, smiling as it ran metallic, thick, and dark from her hair. Them, together, tearing apart planets just by looking at them, creating new ones where the water was green and the sand washed up pink. Worlds without end for them to explore. Rule. Create. Destroy.

It felt terrifyingly right, and disturbingly whole.

_Give in._

Finn.

She froze.

Poe.

Leia.

Luke. Luke. Luke.

“No.” She pushed against him with all her might, images flashing through her head in rewind. A bloody battlefield, a bay at midnight, training mats and anger, sand, _so much sand,_ him surrounded by the white of her cell three feet away in a metal chair. _Focus Rey._

“NO!”

He was looking at her blankly. His energy was warm, too warm, and she realized that they were both sweating.

“Impressive. The drug is fading, I see.”

She was awake. A wave of grateful exhaustion overtook her. She slumped in her chair.

“You don’t have to do this,” she murmured as he reached for the vial in his pocket.

He looked up, and if she hadn’t known any better she would have thought he looked sad. “I wish I didn’t.” He walked over to her, pulling the liquid into a syringe. “You’re almost there, Rey.” He knelt at her side, nodding as if to assure himself. “You just need to accept the Darkness inside you. Then you’ll see.”

The needle was in her thigh before she could protest.

When she opened her eyes, her restraints were gone. In the chair where he had been, the book sat open to the poem he had read, waiting for her to believe it.

In her head, blood ran in rivers.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And her heart. Her heart thrummed with the possibility of an intimacy so ethereal and warm that sometimes, lying awake at night after his form disappeared from the foot of her bed, she wondered what it would be like to love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello! Enjoy the fruits of my creative labor. ily all <3

“Poe! I found something!”

The pilot shielded his eyes from the snow, squinting to see Finn waving frantically at him a few yards away.

“Whatcha got?” He half-shouted after jogging over.

Finn knelt. “No clue.” He picked up the piece of warped metal. “But it definitely doesn’t look like it belongs here.”

They shared a look. “Ship metal,” Poe finally said. Finn nodded.

The snow blew freezing around them. “She’s here. Or at least she was.”

Finn nodded again. “We gotta keep looking before it’s all buried.”

“Chewy! 3PO! R2!” Poe shouted. “Over here, let’s go!”

The two men pressed on into the snow, the droids whirring behind and the Wookie trudging along, disgruntled. They were close, Finn knew. He just wasn’t as sure about what they would find when they got there.

__________________

“Good morning.”

She looked at him in surprise from the bed- _his_ bed- that she had woke up in a few hours earlier, closing the book.

“You’re in a good mood,” she said carefully. He sat on the end of the bed, shouldering off his jacket.

“I am when things go my way.” He looked at her, lips turning into a curious sort of smile. “You on the other hand, do not seem to want to cooperate.”

Rey resisted the urge to smile and roll her eyes at the same time. She felt the sensual warmth of Darkness slithering over her skin, sure enough; she felt the vibrations of his energy in her soul the way she was sure he felt hers. But Darkness wasn’t something they could inject into her. She had to let in. And she would be damned if she did.

“Cooperation isn’t really in my nature,” she responded, opening the book again.

“No, no it isn’t.”

She felt one of his hands move to skim lightly across her leg as she continued to read, and pulled away slightly.

“It’s okay.” His tone was soft, reminiscent of the way they had spoken in the weeks before he had captured her, drugged her, _broken her trust_ , and as wrong as it was, she wanted nothing more than to exist in this space with him as they had used to, reciting poetry and making sheets of paper float lazily on the air in their rooms like they might have been birds.

She nodded her assent and stretched her legs out, tucking her feet under the curve of his thigh. He looked entirely too domestic like this, she decided, his plain shirt revealing skin he usual kept covered at all costs, sometimes even in front of her, and his hair mussed, soft, and giving off a warmth of its own. Everything about him was warm. It was a realization she must have come to long ago, the first time he had held her carefully against his chest as she shook with the memories of nightmares, but one that she had never truly thought about until now.

“You know, I would have given anything to have you in that room with me,” he murmured, fingers dancing along the tanned skin of her knee.

“And why is that?” She ventured, flipping a page that she was only half paying attention to.

He shifted, moving closer and pulling her feet gently into his lap. “You have a way with words that I do not. My Generals would like you, Rey. I think I scare them a little too much.”

She stifled a laugh, but not quickly enough. He raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“Nothing.” Her smile was beautiful, he thought, tracing the curve of her calf. Just like the rest of her.

_Well that’s new._

“I just figured that fear is the best tactic,” she continued. “Why would me speaking to your Generals help? Especially when I don’t agree with your values,” she added pointedly.

“ _If_ ,” he stressed the word, “you agreed, I think the Order should be all the better for it.” She looked up from the book, closing it silently around her finger and watching him as his face slipped into a hazy kind of half-dream. “You have a kindness about you that I doubt even the Dark Side could dim.” He looked at her thoughtfully, and she wondered for a brief moment how it was that he could be so damn untouchable even while he was being vulnerable. She almost missed his next words.

“I envy that about you.”

The silence could have been an ocean, so overwhelming and deafening it was. She, not sure how to respond, him, tensely waiting for her to speak.

“When I said envied nothing about you,” she started slowly, inching to his side, “I didn’t mean it.”

He smirked, hoping she couldn’t feel his heartbeat, pulsing uncontrollably against his ribs, begging to be set free, to fly to _her_ soul. “I know.”

She hummed, amusement laced in the warm vibration. “I envy,” she sighed and her head fell to his shoulder- _like the dream_ \- “the way that you do everything with absolute control. You make killing look easy and walking an art. If I couldn’t see your energy I wouldn’t ever know that you were angry or upset or happy.” She frowned suddenly. “Is the why you wear the mask?”

_Smart girl._ He let the thought flow to her mind, relishing in the way she blushed so minimally he might have missed it.

“My grandfather wore a mask because he had a face that needed hiding, not emotions.” His fingers were still skimming evenly over her skin, crawling unnoticed to her thigh. “I wear one because the opposite is true of me.”

“Are you ever in control?” She ventured, chancing a look up at him. Maker, he truly was...beautiful.

_Well that’s new._

“Most of the time,” he answered easily, though she could see the tension rising around him. “The mask helps when I am not.”

“When we worked on it together,” her fingers played with the edge of her tunic, “you weren’t just teaching me, were you? You were re-teaching yourself.”

“A good Master always learns from his own lessons,” he murmured.

“Is that what you think you are to me?” She bristled.

Truth be told, she was about tired of others thinking that she had to be taught, molded to their version of whatever they wanted her to be. She had thought that he, evil and sadistic as he was, would never stoop so low as to use her for his own gain. She felt the anger, the betrayal, rise before she could stop it, tensing against him like metal, insides turning hot like fire.

“No.”

His response was simple, but so soothing that the red in her vision faded as if it had never been there. She settled into him again, noticing that their bodies curved into each other a little too well for her liking. And yet: she couldn’t bring herself to pull away.

“I don’t know what you are to me.” He added. Her fingers froze, wrapped in her shirt. “My Generals say an enemy, the ruler in me says ally. The Force says kindred spirit. My soul says. . .” it might have been the first time she had ever seen him at loss for words, stumbling over then in his mind like loose rocks.

But really, she couldn’t blame him. Her friends, the officers, they all said his name so hatefully that they seemed to be almost foaming at the mouth with venom. The leader in her told her ally, that his power combined with hers could turn the tide of the war. The Force whispered in her ear constantly that he was a kindred spirit, a soul so close to hers that they might have been made from the same star. And her heart. Her heart thrummed with the possibility of an intimacy so ethereal and warm that sometimes, lying awake at night after his form disappeared from the foot of her bed, she wondered what it would be like to love him.

Not that she would ever tell him that. But, if he felt it too. . .

She pulled herself with a good deal of effort back to the present, finding him waiting silently for her to speak. She searched for the words, coming up short just as he had moments ago.

“I understand.”

She felt him exhale, the air and anxiety leaving his chest like a cool evening breeze back home at the base, sunset yellow shining through tree leaves.

“I think, Rey,” his voice was barely above a whisper, “That if things were different, we could have been friends.”

She sunk into his body, molding further into the heat and safety of his aura. “Things could still be different,” she offered softly. “And we could still be friends.”

“Mm.” His fingertips picked up their easy tracing of her muscles again. “Perhaps. But we are both nothing if not stubborn.”

She found herself laughing, real and loud and full, lips wide in a smile as she looked up at him. “For once I can agree with you.”

He was smiling, small but there, and she felt her heart melt. Had he been shown love in his childhood, she thought, she was sure that things would have been much different for him. For them.

_You know I can hear you._

_I don’t mind._

He chuckled, Darkness edging the sound dangerously.

“Love,” he said with an air of disdain. “I wouldn’t know how to spot it if it pulled out a Blaster and shot me.” There was a bitterness in his tone that ran deeper than just his identity as the First Order’s ruthless leader.

She shrugged lightly. “It’s never too late to learn.”

He laughed again, dry and without humor. “Are you volunteering to teach me?”

“If it will get you to free me.” She grabbed his hand desperately as he pulled away at her words. ‘If it will get you to come home and fight on the _right side_ of this.” She was looking at him imploringly, energy flowing unbound from her hand into his as she squeezing it. “I feel the call of the Dark Side.” A curl fell into her eye as she spoke. He resisted the urge to tuck it gently back into place, opting instead to focus on the shine in her eyes, blackening as she spoke of the Darkness. “I feel it every second of every waking moment, as you do. In my dreams, as you do.”

She pulled both of his hands into hers. “I fight it because I know that it will give me nothing but endless greed and emptiness. Self-serving joy that lasts only minutes before going out for more, addicted to the way conquest makes me feel. I _know_ , Ben.” He stiffened and she drew in a sharp breath.

How long had it been? Since he’d heard that name.

“I chose to fight it.” She continued carefully, noting the way his hands had tightened with energy, ready to burst, his control beginning to waver. “So can you.”

She couldn’t read him, traveling though his mind and picking through loose thoughts and blackness before she realized that he was shaking.

“Ky-“

“Don’t ever say that name again,” he hissed. His grip became painful.

“I’m sorry.” She was paralyzed, searching his eyes frantically for any scrap of the man she had just been so easily folded into. Her heart began to crack when she found nothing.

“You have been fighting,” he managed, “for mere _months_ , Rey.” He met her gaze fully, still shaking, and a single emotion overtook her, flooding from his skin to hers and swallowing her whole.

Fear.

“You know nothing of what it is like to fight for years.” He dropped her hands suddenly, picking up his jacket and making his way to the door.

His last words sent a shiver through her.

“Going to war with yourself is pointless.”

_________________

“So what do we do now?” Finn said into the Comm. back on the Falcon. “We know she crashed here, but Leia, her body wasn’t with them and there’s no way she-”

“We can only assume that someone rescued her, whether on Hoth or otherwise,” Leia’s voice interrupted, crackling over the static. “For now you need to wait out this night’s storm and start searching for any signs of life first thing in the morning. And I. . .” he heard her sigh.

“General?”

“I have a call to make.”

The static stopped.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was learning more and more about him every day she was here, discovering more pieces of the complicated puzzle of the man that was Kylo Ren, the Master of Darkness who used to be a child who chased the stars in his dreams just as she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten days without an update? Who am I????? Took a much needed break to explore another universe for a bit and give my brain a rest. might do the same thing after this, take some time to plan out what's up with the rest of this story, etc. Anyways, enough apologies. Enjoy!

“What’s the plan, pal?” Poe asked as Finn walked into the cockpit, rubbing his face.

“Wait out the storm, go searching for anyone that might know where she is or where she went.” He slumped into a seat next to his friend.

"Leia said. . .” he started slowly his face turning into a confused frown, “that she was going to make a call. Who the hell do we not already know that could help us?”

Poe shrugged and crossed his arms. “Rey I guess. Her Comm. wasn’t there, I only counted one in the wreckage. Must’ve managed to keep it on her.”

“Yeah but if Rey still had it wouldn’t she have called already?”

Poe was silent, biting his lip in thought as Finn’s leg bounced nervously.

“Because she can’t,” Poe said suddenly, straightening up and looking to his friend with wide eyes. “If she’s not calling it means that whoever she’s with isn’t letting her use it. Which means she’s in danger, just like we thought.”

“But we still haven’t found out who Leia is calling.” Finn’s head was reeling with the new information.

“She’s calling Rey,” Poe muttered, almost to himself, looking at his friend with somber eyes. “She’s calling Rey and whoever has her is going to pick up.”

________________

_Going to war with yourself is pointless._

Which was entirely confusing, as Luke had told her that the battle with herself was essential to becoming a Jedi. Then again, the Jedi were gone, and she sure as hell didn’t consider herself one, despite what she had told those children- her stomach turned- on the ship.

_Going to war with yourself is pointless._

It was easier to give in to the Darkness simmering in her, waiting for the opportune moment to boil right though her skin and release itself upon the galaxy like hellfire. She understood why he stopped fighting; he had nothing left to fight for. A father who left him, a mother who ignored him, an uncle who tried to murder him. She couldn’t really blame him, as much as she wanted to. And oh, Maker. She wanted to.

Everything would be much simpler.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been here in his room, drifting in and out of sleep when the droids drugged her periodically, reading the seemingly endless novels on his shelves, waiting for the few precious hours she could interact with something other than metal. She was beginning to crave his presence in her solitude, and had the daily thought that perhaps that was his game- to make her want socialization so desperately that she would do anything to get out of it, including turn to the Dark.

That endless, cold ocean of whispers and mocking laughs that beckoned her from the edge of a cliff she called self-control.

She hated to admit that it was slightly, somewhat, possibly working. She kicked at a chair in frustration. She had to be stronger. She had to be stronger.

She had to.

________________

Perhaps he was making a complete fool of himself, thinking that the Comm. would ever buzz to life on the cool white of the counter.

How long had she been here? How long had that damned Comm. sat there, silent and taunting him with the knowledge that his _mother_ \- his face twisted in disgust- was most likely on the other end, waiting worriedly for a call from Rey, a girl she treated more like her own child than she had ever treated him.

He had half a mind to destroy it, but kept himself from crushing it with a gloved fist for Rey’s sake. The least he could do after he drugged her and locked her in his room was keep her property she and intact.

To be entirely honest, he hadn’t wanted to drug her at all. They were reaching a stable point in. ..whatever their relationship was, and he had known, even as he slid the needle into her skin himself, that drugging her would be breaking her trust. Essentially, they were going to have to start over from square one.

At least that’s what he thought. Yesterday though, with her tucked into his side, his name on her lips, his _real_ name, told him differently.

He wasn’t quite sure why he reacted the way he did when she had said it. Something inside him had gone off like an alarm, a reaction he didn’t register until after it happened. That name was damaged goods, given to him by parents who swept him aside for adventure and politics. And yet, when she said it, so genuinely and full of a tender care he vaguely remembered his mother’s voice having in his youth, it sounded kind of nice.

“Rey?”

He jumped, turning to the counter suddenly, and slowly reaching for the Comm. It couldn’t be.

“Rey, it’s Leia. I need to know if you’re there.”

His heart stopped. Why had it stopped? Why couldn’t he move? His felt his teeth clench, his fists along with them.

“Rey?” Her voice wavered.

_Weakness._

He forced a smirk, settling into himself and suppressing his anger with an ice cold blue.

“Your precious Jedi is unavailable at the moment,” he said smoothly, hoping beyond all hope that the woman didn’t hear the slight tremor in his voice.

He was meet with the sound of static, then:

“ _Ben?_ ”

His heart tightened painfully.

“Mother.” His voice dripped hate.

“Ben. . . Ben whatever you’re doing to her-“

“I’ll let her know you called.” He switched the device off. The anger rose breaking through the fragile blue he’d lain over it.

His name echoed in his ears.

______________

“My mother sends her love.”

He had practically stormed into the room, throwing his cape off and tossing his mask with a dull _clank_ into the corner.

Rey frowned, sitting up slowly in his bed. “She what? How did you. . .”

“She called you.” He was pacing fingers twitching as if he wasn’t sure with to break something, or strangle her, or both.

Her heart leapt. They had survived after all! Even better, they were looking for her. So desperately, even, that they had blindly called her Comm. in hopes of making any sort of contact. She smiled to herself. It quickly faded at the sight of him, still pacing murderously, anger rolling off of him in enormous red waves.

“Why are you so upset? It’s not like she knows where we are, or even has the pilots to launch a rescue even if she did.” She added the last part bitterly, eyes burning like lasers into the wall.

“Perhaps not,” he said pensively, finally settling on the foot of the bed as he always did.

“Something else then?” She guessed.

He scoffed, eyes narrowing at her like he was trying to decide if she was being sincere or not. He shook his head before looking away again.

“Pretending to care about me will do you no good.” The response lacked bite, and she saw a hazy exhaustion flickering through his anger.

“That’s rich.” She crawled to his side, sitting and dropping her legs over the edge of the bed to mirror him.

“You know I care about you,” she spoke up again. “You just don’t let me.”

If she was expecting anything, it wasn’t for him to droop his head and take her empty hand in his, fingers clenching tight.

“Would you believe me if I said I was angry?” His tone was empty, droning and cold. The only signs of his mood were his hand, gripping hers as if it were the one thing holding him here- wherever _here_ actually was- and the heat of red energy she felt emanating from his body next to hers.

“Yes,” she half-murmured, nudging his shoulder lightly with her head. “I would.”

He went quiet, fingers playing with hers every second or so, and she was beginning to think he hadn’t heard her.

“Life with my parents. .. .” he began slowly, “Wasn’t as charmed as the galaxy may think it was.”

She nudged him again to continue as he looked down to their joined hands.

“My mother favored politics and power over me, and my father favored adventure. I was. . .the creation that interrupted that for both of them. And not to help things, they were always fighting.” He shook his head, letting out a bitter laugh. “It’s hard to get attention from people who only love themselves.” He paused, pulling in a deep breath. “When they sent me off to live with my uncle, I thought it was because they didn’t want me. I knew I was different, of course, it was hard to miss. Still, I was so young. And already they were sending me away, out of their lives and no longer a distraction.”

His words sounded pained, as if each was stabbing him in the stomach as he said it.

“And then when I woke, with my uncle standing over me with hate in his eyes a saber in hand. .. I knew what it was to be truly unloved.”

His hand was squeezing hers painfully tight, but she dared not let go, if only so he would continue.

“And now my mother weeps for a child who is not her own.” His tone was pure disdain and hate, and she felt entirely too small for her liking, knowing full well that he was talking about her.

“Where did I go wrong as her son, Rey?” She looked up sharply, noting the distinct lack of sarcasm in his tone. His eyes were red, his lips a thin line, looking at her almost. . .nervously.

She lay her head on his shoulder with a sigh, grazing her thumb over the leather covering his hand. Blocking him from her touch. From intimacy. From the slightest show of care.

Suddenly it made sense.

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “but I do know that she feels the guilt weighing on her every day.” She felt his laugh vibrate through her body. “You don’t have to believe me,” she continued. “But I see it. Luke. . .he felt it too.”

They fell into silence, the deep hum of engines and the echo of Comm. orders floating through the room and out again.

“Why do you still care?”

He tensed.

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “Why do you still concern yourself with who she does or doesn’t care about? To anyone else you’re a heartless tyrant whose only goal is to take over the galaxy.”

“A merciful ruler who wants to bring order to a disordered galaxy,” he corrected smoothly, as if from memory. “And. . .” his arrogant aura faded as quickly as it had appeared, “she is my mother. Even the most heartless of men still harbor a certain tenderness for their mothers.” He made a face. “It’s eternally frustrating.”

She nodded thoughtfully, working through the conversation backwards in her head. She was learning more and more about him every day she was here, discovering more pieces of the complicated puzzle of the man that was Kylo Ren, the Master of Darkness who used to be a child who chased the stars in his dreams just as she did.

“Would you ever reconcile with her?” She ventured, still soothing her thumb over his hand.

He laughed mirthlessly, looking at her with something akin to pity. “I admire your idealism Rey. It’s refreshing in a world such as this.” He stood gently, leaving the parts of her that had been pressed against him with an uncomfortable and heartbreaking cold.

“In another world, in another life,” he said, swinging his cape around his shoulders and picking up his mask. “Just as we could have been friends.” He looked over his shoulder, a sad smile turning up the pink of his lips. “Yes. I would forgive her.”

It was only until a few hours later that she realized he hadn’t drugged her.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love. It was a weakness he had learned to exploit as easily as he had learned to handle a saber. Now it felt like the most unconquerable thing in the galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I AM SO SORRY TWO WEEKS AHAHAHA I HATE MYSELF anyways mental health is important, this chapter is shit because I used it to work through my creative block, and black lives fuckin matter. That's all.

He hadn’t drugged her.

He hadn’t drugged her he hadn’t drugged her her hadn’t drugged her. What did that even _mean?_

She paced endlessly in the room, noting that she had picked up the behavior from him without meaning to. Could she leave? Surely he wasn’t so stupid as to leave the door open, or at least unguarded by droids she couldn’t control. _But why didn’t he drug her?_

Was it a change of heart? Did he truly just forget? Was it a test? She stopped short.

A test.

She walked slowly to the door, as if she was suddenly being watched. At least she felt like she was. It was the feeling she always got when she was doing something she undoubtedly shouldn’t be.

Needless to say, she felt it quite a lot.

She pressed the OPEN button experimentally, drawing back her finger as soon as she touched it, half expecting an alarm to blare or something to explode.

Instead, the door hissed easily open, the cold and eerily silent metal of the hallway greeting her instead of the host of droids she was sure would be waiting for her should she choose to venture outside her confines.

So this was his plan. To give her her free will and her power back to see what she would do.

She hesitated in the doorframe, her brain burning. To leave would be to commit to what was most likely a suicide mission of escape. To stay would be just as hopeless, and would put her friends in danger in their prolonged search for her as they became more desperate, more reckless.

To leave would be to betray Kylo’s trust in the most brutal of ways. _But really_ , she scoffed inwardly, trying to ignore the sharp pang in her heart, what more could he expect from her? If he knew her as he pretended to, he must know that she wouldn’t at least attempt escape.

Choice made, she stepped carefully over the threshold, looking down both ends of the hallway. All remained quiet. She closed her eyes, reaching for him in her mind, zeroing in on an image of him alone in a cold white room, the Comm. next to him on a table.

Then she took a deep breath, and started down the hall.

_______________

Of course he had meant not to drug her.

He sipped from his glass lazily, checking the time on the panel across the room. It was a miracle she hadn’t already shown up for a fight, really.

Kylo Ren was many things, he smirked as he eyed the Comm. on the table, but an idiot was most certainly not one of them. He had given her a clear choice- stay and rule by his side, or attempt to escape; an endeavor in which she would undoubtedly fail.

It would be interesting to see what choice she made. Although he was sure that he already knew.

There was something untamable about her that he simultaneously hated and was intrigued by. She was a voice of unending reason and calm in the midst of his Dark sea; a voice that called to him like a siren as much as it drove him away like new fire. This nature, he knew, would bring her to him, read to fight- and die- for her cause.

Although. He so wished he didn’t have to kill her. She kept him anchored, in a strange way, connected to the small sliver he still held of the man he once was. Without her, he was sure that piece would be lost, fluttering away like ash on a battlefield.

He normally relished a kill. Today would not be so simple.

He felt. . .something.. .for her.He scoffed to himself as he took another sip of his drink. He might as well admit it now, when her death was ultimately minutes away. He felt something for her. Whether she felt the same was of no consequence; he knew now how his mother truly felt, with her voice breaking over the Comm. _Love,_ or whatever his saturated version of it was _._ Unending, insurmountable, that was selfless in nature and required no return, something he did not understand until he murmured it to himself under his breath.

“Love.”

It was a sentiment he had been taught long ago to disdain: not only by Snoke, but by Luke as well. Jedi didn’t have strong emotions, Light or Dark leanings aside. It was a Jedi’s one weakness- his one fault. But despite it all, he felt something for her.

His gut rolled at the realization, at the abandonment of his careful teachings. _Maker, he was insane._ He put a hand to his face. He truly was bordering on the edge of lunacy, which did not bode well for the woman he was sure was creeping closer by the second.

And _well_ , he thought, there really was no going back now.

He knew this was where his grandfather had gone astray. His love for his children had ultimately been his demise. Not so with him. He was stronger than that, smarter. More ruthless in his action, more eager in his goals. Not even Rey, the last being in this galaxy who believed in his redemption, would stand in his way on the rise to power.

He felt his stomach turn again and threw the glass, still in his hand, against the farthest wall in a bout of sudden frustration. _Love._ It was a weakness he had learned to exploit as easily as he had learned to handle a saber. Now it felt like the most unconquerable thing in the galaxy.

Her energy was close- he felt it pressing into him like invisible hands, crowding him with Light, Light, Light. She was blue, on guard and ready for a fight with red tinting the edges. So, he smirked- from either disdain or a strange pride in her, he didn’t know-she was coming. If he had made bet on it with anyone but himself, he would be a very rich man.

The door hissed. The cool hit him. His face turned blank.

She was here.

______________

“What do you _mean_ she’s with Kylo Ren?” Finn half shouted, snatching the Comm. from Poe’s hand.

“I mean exactly that. She’s with my son.”

“General we gotta get her back,” Poe said seriously, running a hand through his curls.

“I agree.” Then Leia sighed. “But we have no idea where the ships are or which one she’s on, and even if we did we have no means of making an attack or a rescue mission. We simply don’t have the forces.”

“Yeah, that bastard made sure of that didn’t he,” Poe muttered, throwing his gloves angrily on a table.

“Focus Commander,” Leia reproached. “We simply need to wait for Rey to call back in.”

“General she can’t,” Finn said with a frown. “We don’t even know if she’s. . .”

“She’s alive, Finn. I can still feel her. And as long as I can feel her there is hope.”

“Hope?” Poe said incredulously.

“Rey has a connection to my son. Surely you know that by now.” The two men looked at each other before Leia continued. “And whether you like that or not, she has more of a chance than anyone to make him see reason. She could be the key to the First Order’s destruction.”

“And if she isn’t?” Finn challenged.

Static filled the tense silence.

“Then it doesn’t matter if she is alive or not,” Leia responded. “My son will stop at nothing to get the power he desires. And in doing so, he will destroy us all.”

______________

“If I had made a bet with anyone but myself that you would come, I would be a very rich man.” He repeated his thought out loud with his back still turned to her as the door closed.

“Then you’re smarter than this looks.”

He let out a humored breath through his nose as his only response.

“You know that I have to take this.” He didn’t have to turn around to know that she was eyeing him carefully as she inched toward the Comm.

“And you know that I have to kill you when you do,” he said just as easily. The knot in his gut tightened considerably.

“You’ve given up trying to turn me then?” She sounded confused.

He laughed again, short and harsh. “A good leader knows when a cause is lost. That is when his enemy should be most afraid.” He finally glanced over his shoulder, piercing her with cold black eyes. “That is the moment all strategy is lost and his army becomes either dinner or the predator.” He smirked. “Most often I am the one fattened after the fight.”

“Save your metaphors,” she said with a twinge of bitterness. “You may have given up on me but I haven’t given up on you.”

He rolled his eyes. _This again._

“ _Please_ just listen. If not for your mother or for me, come back for yourself.” He felt her edge closer and put a hand to his saber in warning. Her energy flickered nervously. _Good._

“I know how much this hurts you. I saw it with Snoke. How small he made you feel. How he abused you. _I know,_ ” she stressed the words as he scoffed under his breath, “because I’ve been there. That was my life too, for years.”

“If you come home,” she stated carefully, waiting for his reaction and continuing when he remained silent and still, “You don’t have to act like someone you aren’t just to avoid being murdered at the first sign of weakness or hesitation. You can be yourself again.” He felt her smile, and it broke through his skin like a knife, plunging deep into his heart and forming a crack in its ice.

“I don’t think I have a self anymore,” he said. It was the truth, he realized. Every part of him had been replaced by orders, by flatness, by control, and then replaced again by blackness, by anger, by hate, by hunger. Everything he was was someone else, living on in his body.

“I could help you find it!” She exclaimed, moving forward with a new confidence and what felt like, to him, a deep desperation. “ _Please._ ” She took his hand in hers. “I know that becoming a new person. . .becoming who you’re truly meant to be. . .it’s hard and sometime it feels better to just stay where you are.” Rey looked down, swallowing hard as she admitted the same truth to herself.

“You didn’t,” he said, tone ringing out in the silence.

“No,” she smiled thinly. “I didn’t.”

“And what. . .” he squeezed her hand as if to draw strength for his next words, “made you believe that you could change? The you could become that person you were meant to be.”

She shrugged. “Leia. Finn. Poe. Luke.” Her eyes caught his with a certain tenderness he couldn’t ignore. “You.”

She gripped his hand tightly as he attempted to pull it away. “I’m not _lying_ to you. You showed me that I have true power, a strength unmatched by no one but you. And more importantly, you showed me that I can take control of it instead of let it control me. You believed in me. Even if it was for the wrong reasons.” Darkness and blood flashed through her mind like nightmares; the images he had shown her, the memories they could have made if she had given him resounding and committed _yes_. She reached out to put a hand to his cheek, grateful when he let it rest there instead of wrenching it away. “You believed in me more than anyone. It’s only right that I believe in you just as much.”

“And what do you propose I do?” He was yelling suddenly, pushing her hand away with the Force and sneering at her like the first time they had fought, snow biting at their cheeks and waiting on the galaxy to implode in on itself. “Turn on my own army? My Generals? This isn’t the Resistance, Rey.” He spit her name like a curse as he stalked out of her reach. A safe distance. Blocking himself, once again, from her touch. Something that felt a lot like black leather filled the ten feet between them.

“The men beneath me, my Captains, my Colonels, even my Troopers: they are all of a predatory nature because I chose them and made them so. They are waiting, Rey,” he gestured harshly with his hand, “for me to fall. For me to get lost out in some battle. Killed, hurt, forced to step down. They’re waiting to move rank. That’s all I ever taught them. If I come _home_ ,” his face twisted, “as you say, the Order will not come with me. They will destroy us both when the next in line steps up in my absence. If I go it will be mean downfall. Even if I do not leave, this moment will be my downfall because I can’t-“ he moved forward, taking her wrists in his hands- “Kill you.”

His eyes were welling with dangerous tears, his aura a shimmering deep purple, uncertain in himself for the first time she had seen. “When you came that was all I planned to do.”

She was quiet, trembling slightly with nervous energy in his grasp. “And now?”

“I want nothing more than to let you care about me as you say you do.” He was searching her eyes, his moving quickly as they scanned. “And I know. . .I know what I have to do to allow that to happen. I just don’t know if I can do it.”

“I’ll help you,” she whispered, moving closer and into his chest the way she so often used to before this, before Snoke’s death, before her troops were blown from space and he watched then burn with apathy; the way she did when they watched the fire burn down in her hut on the island. “Let me help you.” She put her forehead to his chest, breathing in deeply.

“We have to take it all down.”

She brought her head up, a crease in her brow. “The Order?”

He nodded. “If we want any chance at what you’ve been telling me, we have to take it down. From the inside out.” He looked away, and she followed his gaze slowly, eyes landing on the Comm., ever-silent on the table, with a voice on the other end waiting for a call.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, roast me. Or compliment me. I'll take either. Next chapter soon!


End file.
